I’m sure HeHates is the only person watching Syfy’s special effects makeup competition series Face Off, right? There are more things WRONG than RIGHT with this show but HeHates still tunes in week after week. Hey don’t judge me, I’m going through something or I’m a masochist.

Last week’s ep was lulling me to sleep when I was jolted awake by the most hideous and obnoxious laugh EVER. Ok, EVER might be a bit of an exaggeration but it was quite bothersome. I wanted to throw something at the television to make it stop. Take a listen:

BARF!! Disturbing isn’t it? *shudder*

Dear Ms Megan Areford: Effective immediately, STFU! You sound ridiculous ~ Yours hatefully, HeHates

Special effects makeup guru Glen Hetrick serves as one of the show’s judges. Apparently, no one’s been brave enough to tell him about his hair. Specifically, his BANGS.

Glen, a receding hairline and bangs? REALLY?! I guess…

3 things I hated to love this week:

1. I have really taken a liking for FX’s Justified starring Timothy Olyphant. I avoided the show like the plague because I hated Olyphant’s work on FX’s Damages. Thus, I was certain his own show – Justified – would be pure trash. Color me surprised when I thoroughly enjoyed the series debut ep. The show hooked me in the first 5 minutes. HeHates isn’t big on law enforcement dramas but Justified’s unconventional band of characters and slightly irreverent lead character makes it worth a view. Here’s the first ep. BEWARE: a popup browser will open when you hit play. Don’t be alarmed. Just close it and watch the stream.

2.Cee Lo Green’s Grammy performance of “Forget You” featuring Gwyneth Paltrow was pretty genius. When I heard he planned to perform with puppets and include Paltrow I was pretty sure it was going to be a disaster. However, I was wrong. The performance was bananas. Even as ridiculous as his costume was it worked.

3. The Real Housewives of Civil Rights is pure comedy genius! Loved it. It’s a parody of the Real Housewives of Atlanta featuring Wayne Brady and Elite Delta Force 3. When I saw Brady’s name I was certain the parody would be too corny to be funny but I was dead wrong. The ladies nailed it.

What I have just witnessed is a muthafuckin’ shamockery of the highest order. Gospeltainment film Mama, I Want to Sing starring Ciara, Lynn Whitfield, Hill Harper, Billy Zane, Kevin Phillips and Ben Vereen is truly a heaping pile of cinematic horse shit. AVOID! ABANDON! ABORT! EVADE! BOYCOTT! DO NOT WATCH!

Confession: HeHates was thoroughly entertained by this craptastic garbage. But for all the wrong reasons. Honestly, who doesn’t love watching a train wreck? I do! Especially, one that makes you laugh out loud at inappropriate times, like when the father died while delivering a sermon to his congregation. Funny shit! Everything was fine with him then suddenly he fell down the steps and died. I howled. It was pure fuckery. I can just imagine the screenwriting asking himself what dramatic event at the beginning of his movie would really grab the audience’s attention. It got my attention all right. Immediately, I knew I was watching one of those films. You know those films where events just happen without any buildup because the writer/director needed something to happen at that moment and later you realize that stunt was not essential to the story at all.

The writing, direction, acting and singing had HeHates in stitches. Some clown named Charles Randolph-Wright wrote and directed this farce. He failed at both jobs. God forbid he would write a poignant story that would touch the hearts of viewers and allow them to connect with the characters. Shit was constantly happening in the story but I felt nothing for the characters. They were ALL one note and had absolutely no depth. God forbid he would coax nuanced, dynamic performances from his cast. Nothing of the sort occurred.

Regrettably, some of the cast members weren’t sure what kind of movie they were filming. Billy Zane apparently thought he had been cast in a slapstick comedy. Scene after scene he played everything extremely over the top for laughs. Unfortunately for Billy, he was wrong. The film was supposed to be a family drama not a comedy and his performance stood out like a sore thumb. To a lesser degree, Hill Harper and Ben Vereen’s performances appeared better suited for a comedic film more times than not. Ciara, bless her heart. That poor kid was doomed from the start with this shitty script. She tried but there’s no way a non-actor was ever going to rise above material this bad and direction this poor. Lynn Whitfield and Kevin Phillips tried their darnedest to elevate the movie to something respectable and noteworthy. Alas, their efforts were in vain. Now if you want to talk about truly awful acting, look no further than Patti LaBelle. I think everyone but the producers of this farce knows Patti is NOT an actress. HeHates was tickled watching her make a fool of herself and mangle the art of acting yet again. She’s never been cast in a role she hasn’t botched and made you wonder “why is she in this?” Continue Reading »

Eric Benét’s recently released album is appropriately entitled Lost in Time. The album sounds more like something that might have been released decades ago and now has been remastered and reissued in 2010 than a recently released soul album. Benét leaned heavily on the soul music of yesteryear to craft his current project…too heavily. HeHates is all for throwback music when it’s done right but sadly Benét’s theft and hijacking of classic soul homage to classic soul stirrings makes for a boring and underwhelming effort.

There is nothing noteworthy or memorable to speak of on the album. It’s rather disgusting that he would record this retrograde bullshit and ask his fans to spend their money on it. It’s fucking awful, awful, awful, awful, awful… HeHates can not express that enough. Don’t waste your time or money on this trash, you’ll want to beat the shit out of him if you do. 

Citation: Recording bullshit that sounds like it was written and performed by an unsigned cover band

Eric, you are one of the premier male, R&B/Soul singers of this generation. Act like it. Lost in Time was a lazy effort. Quit phoning it in.

Album notes:

The goodish: Sometimes I Cry and the flawless vocal production. Eric is in great voice. But it’s not enough to make up for the miserably boring songs.

The sleep inducing bad: Never Live Without You, Lost In Time and Stir It Up.

Stir It Up

The intolerable: The collaborations with Eddie Levert, India Benét, Ledisi, Chrisette Michele and the worst of them all, the craptasic collab with Faith Evans.

My, my, my! Luke Scott, you sir, are an idiot! Stupidity is something I abhor immensely. After reading this yahoo article, I am seriously having trouble finding the words to address the foolishness that poured out Baltimore Orioles’ Luke Scott’s mouth regarding President Obama and America. I find nothing more reprehensible than an uninformed, outspoken buffoon more than willing to open his mouth and insert his foot.

DB: You don’t think that Obama wasn’t born in the United States, do you?

LS: He was not born here.

DB: [Sighs].

LS: That’s my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go — within 10 minutes — to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, “See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.” The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn’t answer anything. And why? Because he’s hiding something.

You know what? People who have bad intentions, people that are deceivers or are not of honor and integrity — that’s how they act. I’ve seen it in every — it doesn’t matter what level. It can be in politics, it can be in business, it can be in sports, it can be in the construction field. Doesn’t matter. It’s all the same attitude. It’s the same thing.

People who tell the truth, they’re very easy to … their actions prove it. Something as simple providing a birth certificate. Come on. If you’re born here, there’s plenty of documents. But you know what? There’s no documentation of him. No legal documentation of him. There’s been lie after lie after lie exposed, but people put it under the carpet. Hence, the problem we have in this country.

As we all know, Obama’s certificate of birth in Hawaii (and one of the 50 States in America, last I checked) was validated by Hawaiian officials in Oct 2008. “Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said Friday she and the registrar of vital statistics, Alvin Onaka, have personally verified that the health department holds Obama’s original birth certificate.” Thus, Luke Scott’s accusation that Obama was not born in America is crock of shit and he’s disingenuous.

pic source: talking points memo

More idiocy for you to enjoy.

DB: So how’s Obama doing?

LS: Obama … hmm … Obama does not represent America. Nor does he represent anything what our forefathers stood for. This country is basically built on an attitude. It’s a way of life. It’s not because you’re born here. It’s not that you’re supposed to take from those who have and give to those who haven’t. That kills a country. It killed Russia.

I have friends of mine who are in the ministry who [work] in churches in Russia. If they can describe [the country] in one [phrase], it’s “messed up beyond repair.”

That’s what communism does. Cuba, Venezuela. People are trying to escape these lands like a plague. What would make a human being swim 90 miles in shark-infested waters on a raft made of tires and planks? To leave their culture, their family, their language, their way of life. Everything they’ve ever known. What would make someone do that?

You don’t see people in America doing that. There’s no one here in America swimming the Pacific Ocean — or the Atlantic, or the Caribbean — to leave this place. The reason why is because of the freedom. Freedom for a man to mark out his own destiny. It’s not, “Hey, you have so much.” Hey, that person worked for that. That’s not to be taken and given to someone who didn’t put in the time, the effort, and do his part.

Obama, he doesn’t represent that. He represents, “Hey, everyone. Give me votes and I’ll give you stuff.” And there’s even people on TV who [are asked], “Hey, who you voting for?” ”

I’m voting for Obama.”

“Why?”

“So I can get more free stuff.”

That’s not what makes this country great. That’s what tears down a people, tears down nations. Hence, the problem we’re having in this country, where we’re experiencing unemployment. We’re experiencing all of these negative things that are happening in our land as a direct result of that type of attitude — of too much government involvement, of moral decay, and of people lacking honor and integrity.

Eighty years ago, 50 years ago, a man would walk up to another man and go in for loan. He’d extend his hand, he’d shake it and he’d look at the man and he’d say, “I’ll pay this back.” He would do it. You couldn’t even … to even mention that [scenario] today … is that a cartoon fantasy? That’s how far we are removed.

Wow! Luke Scott says that America’s not about TAKING from the haves and giving to the have nots. Well, last I checked, the America we all know wasn’t founded until much of it was taken stolen from the Native Americans. I’d say that the early settlers and many of the forefathers were very comfortable coveting things that didn’t belong to them. Essentially, it’s apart of the American fabric.

I’d really like to know why he believes Obama doesn’t represent America. Typically, that’s racist code. Luke Scott isn’t a racist, is he?

He also suggested that America was built on an attitude. Hmm..NO. Maybe in Luke Scott’s fantasy world it was. However, there were clear ideals and principles that the forefathers addressed when the nation was founded.

Sigh! I don’t the energy or desire to process everything this fool said. More of his idiocy can be found here.

Citation: liar liar pants on fire