Kelly Rowland, please report to the Principal’s office immediately

INT – Principal HeHatesEverything’s Office – Day

PRINCIPAL H: Welcome! Have a seat. How are you?

KR: wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

PRINCIPAL H: Great! I’m glad to hear that. You’re probably wondering why you’re here. Let me explain. I had been receiving complaints about your lackluster live vocal performances for some time and I felt it important enough to look into the matter personally.

KR: (shocked) wah wah wah wah wah (agitated) wah wah wah wah wah wah

PRINCIPAL H: Well, who said it is unimportant. Let’s not get sidetracked. As I was saying, I had received some complaints, the most recent about a botched national anthem, and decided it was time to look into the matter and review the evidence. Ya know I had defended you on numerous occasions but I was persuaded to check the video files after catching the brief clip of your halftime performance that aired on Monday Night Football between the Dolphins and the Pats. Principal H was not pleased. I saw loads of energy but the vocals?? Oh my! I shuddered. So, I analyzed a few vids and upon review, my investigation revealed a small problem that is cause for concern. (pause) How can I put this delicately? That vocal tone of yours that sounds so sweet and sexy in the studio turns tart and sour live.

KR: (stunned) wah wah wah wah….

PRINCIPAL H: No, KR, I’m sorry but the tapes don’t lie.

KR: wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah…

PRINCIPAL H: Yes, I know. And I agree things happen. It’s just that I’m left wanting after watching you perform. It’s like you’re not quite able to quench my thirst, like gatorade, or satisfy my craving, like a snickers bar.

KR: (offended) wah wah wah wah? WAH!

PRINCIPAL H: Let’s just take a look. Where is my remote?

PRINCIPAL H POWERS ON THE TELEVISION IN HIS OFFICE. WE SEE A DVD PLAYER AND COMPUTER CONNECTED TO HIS TV SET.

Principle H: This is old KR, sounding good in a controlled setting.

KR: Wah wah wah wah!

PRINCIPAL H: Oh yea? Cool! Sounded very much like the record. Now here’s a more recent KR performance of older KR material.

PRINCIPAL H: Notice 4 minutes into this medley your voice is thrashed and i’m just not understanding it. The background track did most of the work for you.

KR: Wah wah wah wah wah.

PRINCIPAL H: Oh I didn’t know that. There’s so much that goes into performances that we, laypersons, are not aware of.  However, I can only take stock of what you present. Riddle me this: you’ve been performing for large crowds at large venues for years. Why isn’t your vocal stamina up to snuff? Your former bandmate can perform for hours on end, singing and dancing hard as hell and she doesn’t miss a beat. Not only do her vocals match the record quality but she takes the vocals to the next level and then some. I’m concerned that you struggle to even reach record quality. You trained together. What gives?

KR: Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.

PRINCIPAL H: Okay, okay, okay! I know each voice is different and believe me i’m not trying to compare you to her intentionally but you two are forever linked. Forgive me.

KR: wah wah wah wah

PRINCIPAL H: Ahh, I see. Hmm!

KR: wah wah wah wah

PRINCIPAL H: Oh! Well, okay. Listen, all I’m trying to say is that I think it’s time for you to tighten up your game. Your studio vocals are pristine. The sound is crisp, clear and there’s a playful sultriness to your style that can be tantalizing to the ear at times. Frankly, there’s no legitimate excuse for your live vocals to be so blase. I believe it’s in you. You need to start murdering your vocals. More moments like:

and less of moments like this:

Ouch! Turn it off. It’s too painful to listen to that all the way through unless you’re a masochist!

When you’re promoting a new single, this can’t happen either: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UL8p7v515c
I’m not sure I could get solitary soul to buy the single based on that performance. (exasperated) Sigh!

KR: wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

PRINCIPAL H: Not that bad? Say what? Oh hell no! Well, maybe we’ll just agree to disagree. You’ve got all the tools in the shed that you could ever need but you’re not using them correctly.

PRINCIPAL H AND KR SIT QUIETLY. A DEAFENING SILENCE FILLS THE ROOM.

KR: wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

PRINCIPAL H: Yea, i’m done. I’m sure we will continue this conversation at a later date. I’m glad we had…

KR: wah wah wah. wah!

PRINCIPAL H: Ciao!

TO BE CONTINTUED…