American Idol has grown into one of my favorite sitcoms. The bag singing, tacky wardrobe styling, poor song selection and overabundance of praise brings me so much glee that I’m forced to laugh out loud often during the telecast. So, thank you not so talented ones for another week of giggles.

Before we move on to the performances, I have questions. 1) Is Randy wearing the same sweater jacket every week? I swear I’ve been that ‘fit a time or two. 2) Is Jennifer the head judge? She does the most talking during the critique and apparently will talk over you if she disagrees with your critique. 3) Who was the white guy wildly cheering for Naima and what is his relationship? 4) The Stalker wants to know if Jacob’s grandma is the same lady that has a reserved seat in the front row of the Apollo for every taping of “It’s Showtime at the Apollo”? 4) Is the hair on Casey’s face real? 5) Has Seacrest carried on any wild, sordid and inappropriate affairs with any of the Idol contestants through the years? 6) Why do they even bother having the background artists come on to the main stage when the Idols sing?

This week the Idols knew they had to bring their A game ’cause they were being forced given carte blanche to raid the classic Motown Records vault for the perfect song to showcase their eardrum bursting talents. Some of the Idols rose to the occasion while others sank like a concrete block in the ocean. HeHates found himself furiously texting JJ and The Stalker all night and comedic banter ensued.

1. Casey the so-called genius kicked off the show with a truly frightening, absurd and nonsensical rendition of I Heard It Through The Grapevine. Per usual he emoted in his signature “angry” style: grimacing, growling, grunting, groaning. YUCK!!! It’s an absolute farce. The judges call him special, I call him wack and strange. NEXT!!!
Grade D

2. Thia succumbed to Randy’s pressure and finally sang an uptempo song for a change of pace. Her rendition of Heat Wave was neither terrible or spectacular. However, the tissue paper wrapped around her waist masquerading as a dress was god awful. Thia certainly won’t win this competition. She needs more time to develop as a performer. Further, she’s a bore off stage and needs some charisma.
Grade B

3. Jacob and all of his flamboyance works my fucking nerves. Whenever he hits the stage I swear I’m watching a drag queen perform sans the drag costume. The dramatic flair is such a distraction. It makes me violent. The kid has a voice but his performance style is offputting. The pink colored accents every week has grown tiresome too. I swear I want to beat the bitch out of this kid. This week he sang You’re All I Need To Get By and was able to contain himself enough to stay on pitch throughout. His voice will never move HeHates like it does others (read: Idol judges) but it was a strong vocal performance. PS- If Jennifer or Steven compare Jacob to Luther Vandross one more time I’m going to lose it.
Grade B+

4. Lauren poured her spunky personality into a pouty, youthful version of You Keep Me Hangin’ On. The performance was adolescent cute. She playfully worked the stage and the audience. Vocally it was nothing to get excited about.
Grade B

5. Stefano the wannabe soul crooner sang Hello. I grow tired of chastising this kid for singing soul music. But what choice did he have tonight? I certainly wish he had picked another song ’cause his rendition of Hello bored me. There is something very “high school talent show “about him that underwhelms me. Those stiff vocals of his are for the birds. Jennifer mistakenly thinks he’s the total package. Uhm, yea right!!
Grade C+

6. Haley! Haley! Haley! Where to start? Her performances render me speechless. She continues to try to squeeze her vocal style, whatever that may be, into every genre known to man. I just can’t connect with what she’s doing. Vocally she’s a little too left of center for my taste. I spend too much time giggling or staring at the screen in utter confusion to be entertained by her. Last night’s performance of You’ve Really Got Hold On Me was amusing. She howled and growled and awkwardly slinked across the stage. All I could do was laugh and shake my head. Bless her heart!
Grade C-

7. Scott aka Mad Magazine remained true to himself and turned For Once In My life into a country tune. No surprise there. It was his weakest performance to date, as he pushed himself by singing in his less developed upper register. He sounded out of breath and had trouble sustaining those higher notes. He makes some of the funniest faces when he sings. It totally cracks me up. And the way he holds and caresses the mic is comedy. HeHates was not a fan of the this week’s vocals. He’ll need to redeem himself next week.
Grade C

8. Pia serenaded the audience with All In Love Is Fair. HeHates was not a fan of the performance. It took Pia too long to find her way and bring it to life. She struggled to make an impression while singing in her lower register. When she was able to hit her BIG notes she found her stride. It was a solid performance but underwhelming and forgettable.
Grade B

9. Paul looked very much at home playing his guitar and “singing” The Tracks of My Tears. This week we didn’t have to suffer through his spastic dancing, thankfully. I grow more and more tired of his vocals as the week go by. Vocally he is kind of weak but he’s a good performer. He sounds like an old man who used to have a really good voice before the alcohol and cigarettes ravaged it. I think that’s the thing that prevents me from connecting with him.
Grade B

10. Naima tried winning back the hearts of Americans after last week’s out of tune disaster by singing a lively rendition of Dancing In The Street with an african dance breakdown. Luckily she chose a very simple song to execute. And for our sakes we didn’t have to deal with her customary out of tune singing. Her place in the competition will coming to end soon. She is a very specific and niche vocalist. The crossover appeal just isn’t there. She acquitted herself nicely after falling on her face last week. However, she’s an average singer who has maxed out her potential.
Grade B-

11. James tortured me ears by singing Living For the City. I don’t know what the was I witnessed him do on stage. It was soft rock vocal with a gospelesque musical arrangement or something. Whatever!! He danced. He did his rocker screams. He scissor kicked in the air. Note to James: don’t wear tight ass jeans that don’t allow much movement if you plan to jump in the air and scissor kick. You barely got off the ground and you looked ridiculous He bored me. NEXT!!!
Grade B

Good luck guys on making on to the Idol Tour. So, who won’t be making the cut?