American Idol continues to have me in stitches week in and week out. Frequently during the telecast I ask myself “is this the best talent America has to offer?” I have to remind myself that Idol is more television production than actual talent competition. If this is the best season of singers ever like I keep hearing, something smells rotten in the state of denmark.

Before we discuss the performances, I have pressing questions that need answering. 1) Why was Ryan Seacrest obsessed with the lip stick smear on Haley’s chin? His ass seemingly jumped into frame out of nowhere. His behavior was more distracting than the smear. Someone remind me of why this clown has a career. Gawd, he works me. 2) Is Idol really paying for airfare and hotel to have Idol’ contestants’ family and friends in attendance at the live taping? Wow! I knew the show was making bank but damn. 3) Why are Jennifer and Steve often at a lost for words when critiquing the Idols? Neither really says anything worth a damn. I’m thinking why are they there. 4)When is Jennifer going to go back to her natural hair color? The blond highlights and big hair really are atrocious. 5) Will Randy Jackson ever speak like a grown man and not like a hip hop loving white kid from the ‘burbs?

Overall the performances were some kind of terrible. Pitchiness and awkward body movement reigned supreme.

1. Naima delivered the BEST backstage post performance line of the evening when she said something to the effect of “I guess I feel it too much and that’s when my pitch goes off. I’m all about the feeling and I felt it tonight.” Feelings make you pitchy? SIT THE FUCK DOWN chickadee! You don’t have a good ear, that’s why you are frequently off pitch and nowhere in the vicinity of the proper note. I can’t…I won’t..tolerate your shenanigans.

Naima’s song selection was questionable. But even worse was her execution of Tina Turner’s iconic “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” The song was barely recognizable thanks to the hatchet job Naima performed on it. Why does her styling choices remind me of Rainbow Brite and Punky Brewster? She’s officially on The List.
GRADE D+

2. Paul performed a rendition of “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” in his trademark whispery, talk-sing vocal style and customary circus ringleader body gyrations. My issue with Paul is he just doesn’t have a strong voice. I don’t mind his offcenter singing style. But when it comes time to bring a song home and buildup to a climax his voice leaves you wanting. His vocal style is very one dimensional.
GRADE C

3. Thia delivered a solid yet forgettable performance of “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams. Her tone is outstanding. However, she’s definitely missing that star quality some folks either have or don’t. I think she needs a little more time for her vocal chops to develop. I thinks she’s still learning how to use her voice to best of her ability. Randy called her performance safe and boring and he wants to see her step out of the confines of the ballads she’s been singing. With a little more self-belief and confidence I think she would’ve handled the occasion a lot better. It’s obvious she wants to please the judges. Hopefully, she knows she did well. The missing ingredient is energy and passion from her performances and that comes from within regardless if you are singing a ballad or an uptempo.
GRADE B

4. James the energizer bunny performed “I’ll Be There For You” by Bon Jovi and I was bored. This kid doesn’t wow me like he does Jennifer. I was bored. Again, I think he’s another singer who doesn’t know what to do with his voice just yet. Supposedly, he’s a rocker. But truthfully I’m not buying it. Doesn’t feel authentic to me. Seems like he’s playing dress up.
GRADE B

5. Haley took a huge leap and performed “I’m Your Baby Tonight” By Whitney Houston. I personally want to thank Haley for one of my biggest, heartiest laughs of the evening. The leap wasn’t successful. I’m not sure what to make of Haley. I give the kid credit for giving it her all every time she hits the stage but her song selection is all over the map, her vocal arrangements are questionable and she doesn’t know how to move about a stage gracefully. She’d do well to bench that throaty growl thingy she likes to do. Aww! I felt for her.
GRADE D

6. Stefano once again tried his hand at soul music, performing “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. Honestly, I am not sure what possesses this kid to continue to sing soul music when it isn’t a fit for his voice. His voice is kind of stiff. Though he emotes when he sings, those song are just too big for his capabilities. Again the audience and the judges were full of glee but I’m not sure why. He is charismatic and has stage presence but I can not stomach his song selections. Hopefully, he’ll find a suitable song one of these weeks. Despite my objections to his song choice his performance was very strong.
GRADE A-

7. Pia was bamboozled by Rodney Jerkins into singing an uptempo version of “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?” by Whitney Houston. side bar: this is the second week in a row I have seen Rodney Jerkins set up one of the singers with his misguided attempt at turning a ballad into a uptempo song without altering the song’s original melody. what a fucking idiot. In spite of the unfortunate musical accompaniment, Pia brought the vocals per usual. She continues to perform head and shoulders above all the other singers.
GRADE A

8. Scotty is the singer most ready to transition into being a recording artist. Remarkably, he understands his voice and his fan base at a young age. His performance of “Can I Trust You With My Heart?” by Travis Tritt was very solid. Scott needs to develop as a perform a lot more. He doesn’t own the stage just yet. I think that’ll come in time.
GRADE A-

9. Karen once again attempted to sing a song much too big, too impactful, too powerful and too remarkable for her voice. Again I sat in my seat cringing as she performed a pitiful paint by numbers rendition of Taylor Dayne’s “Love Will Lead You Back.” Please don’t pick a song you don’t have the chops to execute. Especially, when you tread in diva-legend-icon infested water. I still don’t know why this chick is in the competition. She sucks. She is in way over her head. She is definitely on The List. Her voice makes me violent *wink Pink Lady*. And what was that Star Trek outfit she was wearing? Really? SIT THE FUCK DOWN!
GRADE D-

10. Casey and his circus act made another appearance as he growled, grimaced and effectively massacred Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Not much to say other than this guy is side show act. When he decides to drop the genius artist act maybe I’ll take him seriously. As of now, this clown is on ignore.
GRADE D+

11. Alaina turned in a nice performance of Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One.” She was in good voice in spite of the cold or flu she said she had. Still needs some work in learning how to maximize her vocals from start to finish. There was a slight lull in the song when she didn’t seem as comfortable.
GRADE B+

12. Jacob brought his typical over the top, out of tune wailing to the stage. This week Jacob chose to desecrate “Alone” by Heart. This kid is a piece of heart. Those out of tune otherworldly notes he was hitting were shitty and unnecessary. I wish someone would show this kid how to use his voice effectively instead of encouraging all of that fucking yelling like a bitch. HeHates was not amused.
GRADE D+

This is really the best America has to offer, huh? It ain’t much!